Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
