jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
