chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
