dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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