is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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