I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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