So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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