He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
