apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize