Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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