It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
