i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
