we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
