Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
