with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
