Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
