Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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