Betty ford says i'm here all night
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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