Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
