just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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