I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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