Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
