If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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