When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
