$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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