from now on my penis is your penis
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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