I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
