I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
