i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
