Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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