Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
