He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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