when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
