there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
