rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
