So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
