life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
