just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
