I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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