My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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