Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
