I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
