I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm just crazy horny about you
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
