i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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