i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
