Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
