remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Your cock deserves a montage
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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