I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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