So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
