that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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