"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
