Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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