I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
